Rigor Tortoise

Dear AOL,

I’m calling bullshit on everything you put up on your mainpage!  BULLSHIT.  Here’s the title I was PARTICULARLY stoked about this morning…

“Giant Blob Found Beneath Nevada”

Here’s the article…

http://news.aol.com/article/giant-blob-in-nevada/499851?icid=main|main|dl1|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.com%2Farticle%2Fgiant-blob-in-nevada%2F499851

COOL I SAY!  Let’s hide the women and children, and figure out a way to destroy this blob, or at least contain it and further test it in some TOP SECRET LABORATORY!  I shall read on keeping my fingers crossed that Las Vegas isn’t destroyed…however, sorta hopeful the BLOB does wage war in the city, maybe enveloping (Blobs do envelope right?) Caesars Palace or something.  You know, like the BLOB takes it’s BLOBNESS and covers the whole building, then makes big fists and pounds them down crushing the streets?  You get it!  Okay, let me get back to reading this possible disaster!

Wait a minute.  A picture of a mountain range?

OH wait, this “BLOB” is just a LITHOSPHERIC DRIP!!! A GODDAMN LITHOSPHERIC DRIP?!?!  Oh, this BLOB is like honey dripping from a spoon?  So, there’s no pictures, and it’s just gonna drip, not attacking any cities, or waging war upon the world???  Well, that’s cool I gu….NO IT’S NOT!  QUIT FOOLING ME AOL!  IF I READ “GIANT BLOB” I WANT A GODDAMN GIANT BLOB!  NOT A HONEY DRIP!  GET IT RIGHT!

Hey AOL, here are a few pictures of Giant BLOBS so you know what the hell you’re talking about…

Original Blob…

Blob Attack, BEWARE…

BLOB…

Get it straight AOL, and be alert for a real BLOB attack!

Hugs and High Fives,

Justin