Rigor Tortoise

Five jobs I wish I could find.

1.  Artic Cowboy - I ride a polar bear and wrangle penguins from one ice cap to another.  PRO: Riding a bear bare-back.  CON:  Struggling with my purpose on Earth.

2.  Royal Food Taster - I make sure the King’s food is fit for consumption.  GOOD: Exotic spices.  BAD: Poisoned cupcakes.

3.  Mad Men Extra - I work at a desk in the background of Sterling Cooper.  PLUS: Pretending not to know what a type-writer is or does.  MINUS: Panty-hose.

4.  Unemployed Forensic Scientist - I grow a beard, memorize a medical dictionary and go to parties to reminisce about my favorite cases.  SWEET:  Attention.  LAME:  Too many questions.

5.  International Internet Puppy-Star - I spend all day napping and being cute on a live webcam feed.  YESSIR!: Kibble.  NO MA’AM!: Ennui.

Resume available upon request.